Coming home!
A story about process work and plant medicines, how valuable and life-changing this can be. It is a long story, I am aware of that. Believe me, it is all much bigger and more detailed than this. As with everything, I trust that this story will reach those who need it and that it will be received with an open heart.
Last December, I embarked on a deep inner journey. I had been feeling this for some time and I could sense that this journey would once again be life-changing. How, I would only experience later. It's amazing how life gives you exactly what you need when you dare to trust.
I began this journey in the south of Portugal with 12 women during the feminine wisdom wheel retreat organised by Leonie Poth in collaboration with Annick van Walgraeve.
I knew in advance that there would be a pause afterwards, during which many things would be activated, before my inner journey ended in Friesland with Joke & Gerrit van Zielinzicht - Coming Home last week.
What was it all about?
Remembering who I am at my core and coming home to my body!
During the women's retreat, I moved through deep layers of myself, carried by the presence of beautiful, loving women, each with their own life story. Through the profound and attuned process, breath and systemic work of Leonie and Annick, I felt how much I have done alone in my life and how alone I have always felt. Something I knew and had already experienced, but now at an unprecedented depth within me. I have always felt like a fish out of water. Not of this world.
My mother was also there. She had been more present than usual in the weeks before and I had already experienced some beautiful moments with her.
Here, surrounded by these women, I was able to tell her what I had wanted to say to her before she passed away. How much I love her and that I had received her messages to me. I feel enormous gratitude that I was able to do and experience this. Even though our relationship here in earthly life was very difficult and complicated, I am deeply grateful and happy that she is my mother.
Being together, the solemnity, the experiences during the process work during this retreat also opened up a wound in me. A wound that had been with me for a long time and that became even more visible when I returned home. Feeling separated and lonely, misunderstood.
The weeks at home between this retreat and the journey at Zielinzicht were not particularly pleasant. It was all preparation for the journey I was about to embark on. I had to accept it and I knew it. A deep knowing!
Last week, I travelled to Friesland to visit my dear friend Joke and her husband Gerrit (also a dear friend) for a psilocybin journey. Joke and I have known each other for some time and completed the breathwork training together. We met while exploring the theme of safety, and our friendship has grown tremendously over the past year.
Last September, I received a clear answer that it was time to travel with plant medicine.
If you had asked me this a year ago, you would have heard a big and clear no. I was extremely afraid of this. I knew that fear had something to tell me. I just wasn't ready for it then. As with so many things, there is a time and a place. Now was the time, and the place was clearly with Joke & Gerrit.
I arrived in Friesland at the end of the day on Wednesday, after Gerrit had picked me up from Schiphol, and I was already going to travel on Thursday morning. Until that moment, I was completely fine, except for the pain in my pelvis and legs. This is a special story in itself, which I will share another time. In any case, my body was clearly in a process.
Joke took me through the ritual after I had chosen my spot in the truly beautiful room, showered and got dressed. I lay down under the angel wings.
The card I drew was “Be Free”. At home, I had also drawn cards, including “Deep Dive”, which fit seamlessly with this. This journey would be a deep dive to truly free me from the ever-present fear. Or at least a start. I had always lived in fear, inherited from my mother and other women in our family line. At various moments in my life, this was reinforced by events and experiences. The final straw came when I had children and then, due to incorrectly prescribed medication, Pandora's box was opened in one fell swoop. Pure, blind panic. I completely lost myself at that point. Recovery came slowly, with time. Once I came into contact with bodywork, I really started to find myself again. So much so that I became proficient in it and started working with it. Although I have come a long way and gone deep in recent years, now was the time for this moment. Moving through the fear in a safe and attuned setting with a very experienced, safe and loving Joke.
After chewing the truffles thoroughly, it was time to wait for them to take effect. A little later, the effect was unmistakable, and for me, that was exactly what I needed to move through. Here was the ‘Deep Dive’! Pure fear, no more control, down the rabbit hole and no way back. There was a moment when I regretted it, because I felt that despair and panic again. The fear. That's when it became clear that I had to stand on my own two feet and breathe. Realise that I am okay, that I am not dying and that I am not losing myself. I took my time, turned onto my back and let go.
Coming home to my dear body, realising how happy I am to be here on earth. Also realising that in all these almost 54 years, I hadn't really arrived here yet. It was so clear and I laughed so hard and so much at this realisation. That I had known that panic and despair for so long. I had already experienced it the moment I was born here on earth. I didn't understand it at all.
I then travelled through all kinds of layers and gained a great deal of insight. About Marco and the love I feel for him and my and his part in our relationship. About my children and my love for them and how it all makes sense (no matter how difficult and painful), my mother came by for a moment, my father, my sister. What I am here to do and why certain things are so important to me. That I am a very old soul, but still young here on earth. I also understand now why people often find it difficult to follow me.
My inner child was also very clearly present and I had so much fun with her. She also showed me that I don't have to be so serious anymore and that I can enjoy life and have fun. Sandy helps me with that, my earthly dolphin, my mirror. It is all crystal clear. I know exactly who I am and what I am here to do. I was able to experience this at the end of this journey during a beautiful and sacred initiation. I already knew this, and yet this experience has reminded me of something I can never forget.
I also know that there is still work to be done. First, I need to integrate everything and then practise with everything that is clear to me for now.
I also know that the journey continues. I am looking forward to it even more.
Sinking further into my womanhood, into my pelvis, into my power, into who I am in essence.
I felt this during the journey, but I also experienced it even more during a family constellation in which I experienced the six women before me from the female line. Moving, painful and super powerful.
A particularly beautiful journey in a particularly loving, safe space and with equally loving and safe people.
It has now been a few days and I am back home. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT! I can only guess how different. I am going to experience it!
Insights are still pouring in, because so much space has been created where fear used to reside.
A big grateful heart, that is what I feel.
And... FREE!
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