My femininity, the sequel

I am going through a very profound process and it is sinking in more and more. In my blog Coming Home, I wrote about my experiences of coming home to my body after all these years. 54 years to be precise. It is now becoming clear that this was only the beginning. Since then, all kinds of things have been happening in my body that are sinking in a little deeper and I am becoming more and more aware of what this journey entails.

For example, my hormone balance is recovering. The first three weeks were painful. Sore breasts, pain in my lower abdomen, mood swings, light bleeding. That is now over. At least for now. What is remarkable is that I thought I was fully in the menopause. I am no longer so sure about that. I would not be surprised if I were to menstruate a few more times. I even notice that I would like to experience a few more cycles. I can imagine that many women will understand little or nothing about this.

In recent weeks, especially since the truffle trip, I have realised that I have not experienced this with respect. I have always tried to be as little ‘bothered’ by it as possible. I was taught from home that it is mainly a nuisance. Not only from home, by the way. This is how it is dealt with in much of the Western world. I was also not taught that it is actually a recurring ritual and that my womb cleansed itself every month and prepared itself for the possibility of creating life.

That's not how I dealt with my body at all. For years, I despised everything to do with femininity. How my body looked. In general, I've always had curvy shapes since puberty and I was often a bit fuller and heavier, a bit of a yo-yo. Not only did my mother tell me that this was not good, but I also did ballet for years and even attended dance academy for a while. Of course, this was not at all desirable there. I also hated always being judged on my appearance. Mainly by men, but certainly by women too. They could be quite harsh. All in all, being myself just wasn't okay. In many other ways too, but that's another story.

That's how I spent a large part of my life. Not in touch with my body and never completely at home in it, because I always wanted to get away from it. That's also how I had my children, so you can imagine that this was not a safe and welcoming start for them. This is also another story and not for now. But it is important to mention.

Let's return to the present moment. This last bit just provides some context as to why the process I am currently undergoing is so valuable to me. So much is becoming clearer. I am also becoming gentler with myself and because I allow that to happen, beautiful things are happening in my body.

I now dare to really look at myself, feel myself, massage my skin and truly nourish myself with the right food. I can now find my body beautiful, with everything that goes with it. Especially now, my belly. My belly, which after two pregnancies, one of which was twins, is not tight and smooth, but round, soft, full of stretch marks and sagging.

I am not someone who regrets things in my life. That would imply that it is not good, and I am not on team good or bad. I am on team lessons and learning. I have had to learn to experience it in the depths of my being, that my body is my home here on earth and that I must not only take good care of it, but that I am truly allowed to inhabit it.

Of course, I would have liked to have experienced this differently, so I do feel this sadness now. This is what I am dealing with, the sadness. Sadness because I did not fully embody certain things in my life when it was needed. Namely, the pregnancies and births of my boys.

At the same time, I also feel joy and gratitude for this beautiful body of mine. It has carried me all these 54 years and not only me, but it has also created and carried my three beautiful sons. I am only now fully realising this. A little more every day since that one moment on 15 January 2026 when I truly arrived in my body.

Being a woman and the female body have taken on a completely different image for me and also a completely different experience. A journey of discovery in itself.

So YES, I am grateful that I may still be able to experience this to the fullest. So if I am able to go through a few more menstrual cycles, I will experience this very differently. In my previous blog, I already mentioned that the menopause is a beautiful rite of passage for women. The menstrual cycle should also be experienced with a little more respect.

Much love

Natasja 🌹